your beautiful mind

are you carrying too much emotional baggage?

It has been said that “No one escapes childhood unscathed,” which is not to say that everyone suffers through terrible childhoods, only that each of us endures our fair share (or, in some cases, more than our fair share), of difficult or even painful emotional experiences during childhood, adolescence and young adulthood. By definition, growing up is filled with all sorts of growing pains.

And it is our emotional memories, particularly the more painful ones, which often have a significant impact on how we conduct ourselves in our relationships, not only with our significant others, but with all of our friends and loved ones.

In other words, our past experiences and relationships have a profound influence on the people we are drawn to, and also on how we think, feel and behave in our present relationships.

Frequently, maybe even too frequently, the sum totals of our emotional histories are-sometimes rather disparagingly-referred to as our “emotional baggage,” an evocative phrase designed to conjure up luggage-laden images of all of our emotional memories, as well as our behavioral patterns in relationships.

And while we all carry some emotional baggage, it turns out that some of us carry quite a bit more of it than others. More to the point, some of us allow our most troublesome relationships from our pasts to affect-and in some cases do severe damage to-our current relationships.

If you are concerned that your own insecurities or “emotional baggage” from past relationships may be hampering your emotional growth in any of the following ways: by causing you to get involved with unkind individuals, or by preventing you from entering any love relationship at all, or by causing damage to your current relationship, then it may be time for you to confront the problem head-on, so that you can finally move past the old hurts and attain the relationship happiness you have been seeking for so long.

Here, then, are six tips to help you achieve your relationship goals:

1. Just because certain ex-partners may have mistreated you in the past, don’t make the sweeping assumption that every single person you date from this point forward will treat you shabbily as well. Each new person you meet has the right to be evaluated based on his or her own unique merits and flaws - as opposed to being evaluated based on your past relationship experiences. You certainly don’t want to miss out on getting to know a potential “Mr. or Mrs. Perfect-For-You” because you are too busy unfairly projecting your past negative relationship experiences onto him or her.

2. Obsessing over certain painful incidents or relationships from your past is not healthy. Actually, obsessing about anything is terribly unhealthy. In fact, it’s akin to playing a negative tape loop over and over again in your head, and it is definitely not conducive to creating happier, healthier relationship experiences.

3. Try not to allow a past difficult relationship to cause you to give up completely on all relationships and/or potential relationships. Granted, it is perfectly understandable to feel sad, angry, bereaved, and even somewhat bitter in the immediate aftermath of a painful, failed relationship, but try not to let these feelings take over your life forevermore.

4. People who feel insecure and/or who suffer from low self-esteem sometimes consciously or unconsciously sabotage their love relationships by engaging in behaviors that could potentially drive their partners away in order to confirm their own worst fears and beliefs about themselves. Don’t fall into this all-too-common insecurity trap!

5. Remember that your painful relationship history need not repeat itself over and over and over again, with only the most miniscule of variations like some excruciatingly painful version of that Bill Murray Groundhog Day movie. On that note, always bear in mind that you actually have an enormous say in the creation of your own “dating destiny”. And if you put your mind to it, you truly can break free from past destructive dating patterns.

6. Of course it is extremely important to protect yourself emotionally, especially if you have experienced more than your fair share of difficult, or humiliating, or even traumatic romantic relationships in the past. However, every aspect of life, including dating, involves a certain degree of risk-taking. And while it can be incredibly hard to open your heart and make yourself vulnerable to a potential new dating partner especially if you have been hurt repeatedly in the past, please remember that life sometimes requires us to take a leap of faith so that we can continue to grow emotionally. Therefore, if you have recently met a good, kind, loving, emotionally whole and healthy person who would like nothing more than to start a relationship with you, then get ready to take that leap!

text by Rachel G. Baldino

image by tim walker courtesy of midnightmartinis